i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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