Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
