the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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