I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
