Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
