She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
