You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
