Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
