I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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