I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
