Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
