Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
