Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
