When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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