I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
