Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
