I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
