I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize