if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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