I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
