he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
