Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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