I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
