I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
