I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
