And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
