put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
