I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
