you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
