You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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