does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just threw up on my dentist
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize