you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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