The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
