That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
