feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
