the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
