my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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