I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
