I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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