I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
