I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
