he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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