I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
