I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize