oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
