It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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