He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
