Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize