dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
