Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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