Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
