I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
