four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
