look no pants
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize