Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
