She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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