She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
