shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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