This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
