i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
