Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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