a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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