he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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