this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
